Reality Bug

The Bespectacled Leading the Blind

Sunday, August 17 2008 | Comments (1)

Gene and Shannon take the initiative to help the single ladies in their family meet some "nice guys." With just three words of criteria at their disposal: manners, money, and jobs, the pair set out on their quest to find the perfect mates for Tracy and Sophie.

In his 2006 book Gene Simmons Family Jewels Sex, Money, Kiss, Gene is quoted as saying: "Let's face it, just because I stick out my tongue a lot and spit fire doesn't mean I have any qualifications to advise anyone on relationship, money or career issues. I don't. Yet I've lived with a beautiful woman for twenty years with never a cross word between us, in a relationship based on honesty and full disclosure. I've amassed a fortune--and "expert business people" work for me. And for three decades I've been in KISS--a band that has scaled the heights and broken every possible record, from album sales to touring to merchandising and licensing. What I have and have always had (thanks in full to my mother's wisdom) is an abiding faith in me. Call it a "life philosophy": a philosophy about money (mine!) and happiness (mine again). It works for me. It can work for you!" Perhaps this is the reason Gene and Shannon decided that they would be good at matchmaking for the single ladies in their lives. Their criteria for choosing suitable mates was simple. The guy Shannon picked for sister, Tracy had "manners." On this basis she gave him her sister's cell phone number. Is there such a thing as a sisterly divorce? That would be my choice.

Not to be outdone, Gene spied a prospective love interest for daughter Sophie during a business meeting at Ketchup restaurant. The good looking young man had the required "money and a job" to date Gene's daughter. When Sophie asked if he would let Gene pick a date for him, brother Nick said he would rather trust Snippy (the family dog) to set him up."
Apparently Tracy is a fan of the three strikes law for blind dates. Shannon's pick, Brian, got his first strike before he even showed up. He was late. He got strike two before his butt was firmly planted in his seat. He mentioned his Masarati. All you need to do is drive the ride, Buddy. Waving it in the lady's face takes all the flash out of the dash! Tracy wisely noted that with a car that fast he should have been on time. Oh, and by the way, cars should be fast and furious, not pounding back the hooch. Strike three. Brian, you are sooooo out! Gene became the man with a plan to save the day.

He got out his trusty phone book and contacted all his non-incarcerated buddies to come for a party. Yep. Carrot Top was there, and Danny Bonaduce. Just the two men I would choose as a date for my woulda-coulda-been-sister-in-law. Not. Maybe Gene has a thing for buff redheads. Anywaaaaaay, dinner with Tracy, Shannon and a room full of men left Tracy seeking out the company of the cute caterer guy, Michael. Shannon rescued the evening by taking Gene, all the "dates" and Tracy to Ping Bowling Alley. A good time was had by all, especially Tracy and Michael the caterer.

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