Gene Simmons Roast Special!
Monday, June 16 2008 | Comments (0)
To kick off his new show time on Sunday nights at 9pm, celebrities who know Gene best take their best comedic stabs at him in the Gene Simmons Roast! Pass the BBQ sauce, cause this is gonna be good!
How does one sum up a successful career of a music icon in a 90 minute television special? You roast the hell out of ‘em! That is exactly what Hollywood did last night for our hero with the demon makeup and a tongue the size of a dairy cow- Gene Simmons .
The star-studded guest list was long for the roasting of Gene. Comedians were all too eager to take pock shots at him and it was hilarious to watch. The some of the starring guests were: Lisa Lampanelli, Steve O, Danny Bonaduce, Paul Rodriguez, Carrot Top, Cory Feldman, Donald Trump, Andrew Dice Clay, Craig Gass, Paul Mooney, Shannon Tweed, Tracy Tweed and Nick Simmons.
Jeffrey Ross hosted the show and introduces the band with looked like a band from the glamour-rock era of the late 70's to early 80's. Ross calls the band “Spinal Crap”. Ross also did the voice over for the retrospective of Gene’s life which of course included his success with rock supergroup KISS. Ross took a very funny shot at Gene about his marketing ability. “In 2006, Gene gets TV show and exploits the last three people he has not exploited yet…. his family.” Laughter comes from the audience and the video clips ends.
Gene himself appeared on stage wearing tight silver pants and his famous KISS high platform boots. Ross took a look at him and made no hesitation for tearing him a new one! He attacked his KISS marketing campaign. “KISS makes everything but music!” Ross proclaimed. “The only thing you won’t put your name on is on a marriage license”. The camera rolls to Shannon’s face which cringed as she laughed with everyone else”. Ross, being very observant, saw this and asked her to stand up and take a bow which she did. “Doesn’t Shannon look great for seventy-five!”. Ross still kept the jokes coming: “Gene looks like the younger version of Mr Roper. He taught me even if you can't play music, over-market yourself!" Everyone howled with laughter. The show was off to a good start.
Then it was Craig Gass’s turn to add coals to the Simmons roast. “Gene never made a song about the women he slept with”, he explained. “Because nothing rhymes with gonorrhea.” After the audience were crying in their seats. Gass did some impersonations of KISS frontman, Paul Stanley: “A lot of band don’t get invited to the dinner, we stay for the roll.” Gass gazed at Gene and asked, “What were you guys thinking?” He then impersonates Gene himself: “Some people like stink. Some people like ice cream. Those who like stink and ice cream like KISS”. Gass even made a thoughtful commentary on the intellectual way Gene composes his song lyrics: “Gene has brought us such lyrics like Animal eyes – ‘I’m gonna get down get in your face. I’m gonna stick my log in your fireplace.’ "
Paul Rodriguez came out and offered his take on Gene Simmons. “I appreciate Gene,” Rodriguez announced, “He hires Mexicans to spray paint his head.” Rodriguez also bestowed a little bit of Gene’s jewels of wisdom to the audience:”One of the great sayings of Gene Simmons is, ‘You can give a man a fish and he’ll be hungry tomorrow. Put him in fishnet stockings and someone will buy him dinner!’”
Donald Trump made a video that was aired on the show which thanked Gene for appearing on his show, “The Apprentice.”
Gene’s longtime partner and mother of his two children, Shannon Tweed came up and made kabobs out of her “Baby Daddy”. “When we first got together,” she explained, “I was the one with the bigger &*%$.” (Editor’s Note: Shannon’s word was edited from the show so we can only guess what she said!). Shannon continued to roast her man like no one else could. She explained their life in the bedroom: “Gene does have a GIGANTIC ego. We have a mirror over our bed and it is on Gene’s side.” Shannon went over his fatherhood skills: “Gene is a great father. Great dad. He refers to our children as: ‘Limited Edition KISS Offspring #1 and #2.” She also spoke about not tying the knot after a quarter of a century: “It would have been less expensive if he married me,” she admitted. “Because I would never spend our money like I spend his!”.
After John Heffron’s set, there was an interruption from within the audience and a very special guest makes his presence known: it was Andrew Dice Clay. He comes down the aisle towards the stage. Shannon comes up and gives him a small kiss. He made some jokes about Carrot Top even though it is the Gene Simmons roast but then focused back on the man of the hour. “I admire you Gene,” Clay said. “You had the idea. Why not become the Bozo the Clown of Rock and Roll?” The audience cracked up as Clay continued: “All he did was slap makeup on and stick out his tongue!” Gene himself was laughing hysterically because he knew that it was the truth.
Clay also talks about the conception of “Detroit Rock City” even though Gene preferred it not to be discussed publicly. Gene then changed his mind and allowed Clay to tell the story. “Some studio throws him 150 million to make movies and Gene turned down my script.” Clay said. “But he goes out and makes some Rock and Roll movie about Detroit! I had a script and said ‘just throw me a couple million, come on!’ Gene’s critiquing my script?! C’mon!”
“My kid wants to date your daughter!”, Clay said to which Gene responded in a chilly silence. “Shannon and me made a little movie together”, he informed the audience. “I told her we can keep partying if she goes out and puts a carrot in her mouth.” Clay then pulled out an old Polaroid of Shannon in a compromising position in Clay’s dressing room. “Yep, we had some fun!” Shannon quipped. Gene was not amused. He got up, yanked the picture from Clay’s hands, looked at it and said: “Son of a &%$@*!”
After some comedic sets from Carrot Top (“Danny Bonaduce is what I would look like if I didn’t take care of myself!”), Danny Bonaduce (“Only in America can a man dress like a deranged tranny, become a multi-millionaire and have a playboy playmate) and Shannon’s sister Tracey (“Smash a glass in the Jewish tradition. Let’s make it a KISS collectible glass!) had paved the way for Gene’s son and amateur comedian, Nick.
He was merciless about his father. “We are lucky to have Gene’s biggest fan here tonight!” The punchline was him pointing at Gene. Nick pulled his pappy’s leg for a moment announcing that his former girlfriend’s Cher and Diana Ross were here to see him. Imagine Gene’s surprise when two female impersonators dressed as Cher and Diana came on stage and sat on his lap. They both give him a kiss.
Lisa Lampenelli, the Queen of Mean, came out she aimed a barrel full of her razor sharp wit and let Gene have it. “How did u come up with that hair style genius?” She asked him. “Did u look at planet of the apes and say ‘that is an idea’. With the audience laughing, she continued. "What do you call a man that is a great musician? What do you call a man who is an inspiration to us all? You call that man John Lennon but he's dead all we have is this untalented windbag so um nice tongue …Gene."
The wonderful show ended with some acknowledgment of the philantropic efforts Gene has made to wounded soldiers from the Iraq War. A military colonel has a folded flag that he gave to Gene which was flown in Iraq in his honor. Gene then takes the microphone and speaks to the crowd. “We are here to celebrate wounded warriors and what they represent”, he announced. “Thanks to Nationwide Insurance for donating $20,000 to the wounded warriors. “Gene teary-eyed then said, “I thank you and it’s really good to be me.” He ends the show with singing, a cheering audience and confetti falling from the ceiling.
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